Thursday

Renewal and then some

When I was in high school, I received a CD from some church function with lots of really great songs on it.  There was one song in particular, "Peace I Leave With You", that I enjoyed when I was in high school and my early college years.  It talks about the Savior and his last trials, all he experienced, and how, through all of it, he strengthened those around him. 

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Have you ever heard of the phrase "living on borrowed light"?  Sometimes we hear it in reference to children who rely on their parents' knowledge or testimony until they really find their own.  I didn't necessarily have that experience, being a convert, but I feel that I did this with some of the people around me - friends, seminary teachers, young women's leaders.  To an extent.  Certainly not as heavily as children sometimes do.  But my faith hadn't been tried much, I hadn't much need to rely on it.  Maybe that's not true at all and if I go back and read my journals from high school and college my memory will be refreshed.  But in hindsight, it feels that way.

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Recently I found that old CD.  I wanted to hear one of the other songs and the tracks fell to "Peace I Leave With You."  It hit me harder than it ever did before.  Why, I thought, was this song making such a strong impact on me now as opposed to all the times I listened to it earlier in my life?  Why does this song bring the Savior this much closer to me now than it did years ago?  Sometime between then and now my testimony of the Savior became more tangible.  I've had need to rely upon him.  He isn't just real, he is real to me, close to me, or I to him.  I've had need of him, I've searched him out, needed to know he has felt what I've felt - that my burden might be lighter.  - Meaning, I needed to know he felt these things I've felt and he did so to make my burden lighter and I also needed to know this so that my burden would, in fact, be made lighter. 

Meaning, his intent was realized in me, at a time when I was in such desperate need of this, as I drove alone in my car to retrieve my daughter from preschool.  Not a predictably spiritual moment generally speaking, but for me it was worth more than I could ask.

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A couple weeks back, I had a changing experience while I was praying.  You see, sometimes, for me, praying is hard.  Not that I'm one to walk around with a "why me?!" mantra.  No good comes of that.  We each have trials and I have mine.  They're just that - mine - and I tend to own them.  But when I'm weighed down I wish my natural inclination was to pray rather than pull deeper within myself.  I've gotten better but I'm not great.  Through some recent trials (mostly infertility issues, nearly entirely) I've tried to remember to be better about praying, humble myself, rely on the Lord more.  I bowed my head to pray before I went to sleep, readied with my mental list of all the things I'm grateful for.  I find that when I'm in the midst of a trial that has brought me to my knees, it's easy for me to be grateful rather than pleading.  My thoughts were frozen.  My standbys seemed insignificant and I was overcome with the truth that the Savior is there to buoy me up.  I felt, in that moment, like a lifesaver had been thrown out in stormy waters and Jesus Christ was reeling me in.  That was all I was grateful for in that moment and that was all I could think to ask Heavenly Father for - to help me remember this.  I'm not very good at praying for things, petitioning the Lord for things I want but this was right for me then.  And after I prayed, I slept.  I slept good and deep and long and I hadn't in a while.

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There's a quote that I can't remember exactly about whenever this man finds himself far from the Lord, it's always he who has moved; the Lord is always there, unchanging.  I don't feel like I've moved very far away from the Savior but I have, as of late, had need to move closer.  Status quo wasn't good enough anymore, not right now.  And for that reason alone, I'm grateful for my recent experiences and trials, even not being able to conceive.  Would I ever have thought that possible?  I really did not.  I've been grateful for trials before and where they have gotten me, what they have taught me, but this was one I didn't anticipate I'd feel anything positive about.  I don't like it, but I'm grateful for the byproduct.  Still, I hope it changes, soon.  If it doesn't? - I'll hold my post, dig my heels into the foundation I have, and at least stand my ground.  Hopefully, even better, I'll continue to move forward.

1 comment:

Heather said...

LOVE. Love, love, love. Again, BEAUTIFULLY articulated. And this was so, so uplifting and inspiring. You are a great lady, Kelly.