Last Night

I posted a little snippet of this story on my girls' blog but I wanted to go into more depth here for my memories and also for the sake of narrative and explanation.

Last night, after Meredith summoned me back into her room so she could pray again, Gwenna requested help with a prayer.  Gwenna wanted to pray for her mom.  I was touched by this and surprised.  And as she prayed she asked the Lord to help me be healthy and happy that I will have another baby. 

We recently started praying for this as a family. For the longest time, I didn't want to involve the children for fear of disappointment and confusion. But sometimes it seems like, even moreso than an adult's, a child's prayer goes from their rosebud lips, through the ear and into the heart of the Lord.  Why not let them share in our pursuit in their own way? 

Ted and I have been trying to conceive since March of last year, making February, this month, the year mark.  That's daunting.  It's actually more than daunting, to me.  I've been struggling with this fact for the past few weeks.  And no one really knows this because there are a few things, very few really - shockingly - that I'm not willing to wave around like a banner.

For a long time (you know, most of the past year) I've been totally at peace with our family.  I love having two sweet girls and I love that they are close together.  I prayed for this peace when we weren't getting pregnant right in the beginning.  I didn't want to be at odds with myself.  And I got that peace.  It was a Godsend.  Really, truly.  I felt that if this was it, my two girls, life was grand.  I still feel that way, to an extent, but the past couple weeks I have STRUGGLED with the fact that it might be true or at least for the time being, when I'd prefer it otherwise.

Last night, after she prayed, Gwenna asked, "Why do you want another baby Mom?"  I told her, "Well, I love you and I love Mer Mer and I want another baby to love too."  That didn't seem good enough for her, "But why?" We talked for a little bit until she understood and then she asked what we should name her - "her" being the baby of the future.  "Another girl?  What if some day we have a baby boy?"  This intrigued Gwenna, "Yeah!  We need some boy kids!"  She's right, of course; we are girl heavy.  After some deliberation, Gwenna decided if we have a boy baby some day that his name should be Prince Phillip, further illustrating her ongoing obsession with all things Sleeping Beauty.

I'm so glad I have the children I have, not just that I have 2 beautiful children but for the exact ones the Lord has given me.  It is hard to put into words what they are to me and how much I love, admire, and am awed by them. I'm not ungrateful for the children I do have, quite the opposite.

I didn't even talk with Ted about my loss of peace for a while.  I was trying to battle my frustrations on my own, be strong and all that business.  But it was NOT working and after we talked and talked and talked, with a side of prayer, things started to get a little easier.  I'm feeling a little better each day.  Of course, I have hope that we will conceive and there's no good reason that we haven't but the past year has finally started weighing on me.  Each subsequent month of disappointment placed a brick on my chest and for a long time it wasn't very heavy but they've added up and it's getting harder to breathe... mostly metaphorically. 

A recent ultrasound showed that I have no cysts (and I have had many in the past, some that have ruptured, even when I was pregnant with Meredith) and a "completely unremarkable uterus", which, in medical terms means things look great. It took us about 7 months to get pregnant the first time and I remember being disappointed for a bit but I was optimistic and not really too daunted by it all. This time around it like a slap in the face.  "I can do this, " I tell myself.  "I was BUILT for this.  If there's anything I've been successful at, it's been getting pregnant." Not that there aren't many other things.

A lot of the reason I've boycotted social media as of late is that it makes things worse for me.  SO MANY of my friends have had 1 or 2  babies since Mer was born and in a lot of cases these are women who have struggled with conceiving themselves.  But do you remember being young, elementary age, and there was something you couldn't do that everyone else seemed to catch onto really easily?  - Maybe it was math (mine!) or something in gym class.  It was frustrating, wasn't it?  Even if you were super stoked when your best friend got it, when it clicked for her, when she had success, it sometimes made it harder for you because you felt more alone, maybe a little stupid, or slow.  I'm comparing this phase of my life to this example.  Over the past few months, clicking on Google Reader and reading blogs has been bittersweet.  I've been really excited for my friends who have announced pregnancies (in some cases, downright elated, as with my sister's.  Never an ounce of anything bitter in that case!) but it's made me feel even more behind the curve, in a manner of speaking.  Not that there's an expectation or I'm comparing my life to theirs but it is a stab, a little reminder that yet someone else has something I can't wrap my fingers around.  It would be one thing if it was a new fashion I loved and couldn't buy (being in school and all, at a time when money is tight), I could shrug that off.  But this is different, and I needed a break.  And I'm not going to apologize for that and no one else should either.  I've been on the other side of this wall, too.

So the 30-day social media fast?  Yeah, that's the bulk of it.  I lost my peace and I'm looking for it like a kid who lost his blankie (or monkey, in our house). Grasping at straws, furiously searching, I'm trying to narrow the channel, increase my odds.


Unknown said...

Never think that God's delays are God's denials. Hold on; hold fast; hold out. Patience is genius(and so is your mom!)

Suzanne M said...

I completely understand your internet fast. Wish I had enough self discipline to do that for myself. And yet, it wouldn't have helped or hindered me much these past few weeks. My heart has been broken lately and I also wish I could find peace. These past 2 days (ever since another sister announced her pregnancy) have been extremely hard, seeing how all of my sisters that can have babies will have babies in 2012 and possibly not me.
There is really nothing that describes what we are going through, Kelly, but I really am glad to have someone that understands me for when I need a long Twitter chat or a friendly reminder that life is ok! :) I'm realy grateful for you and the strength that you have and I hope that you can find your peace once again.

Heather said...

I need to remember that your blog is private now and check in more often.

I am sorry Kelly. Truly sorry. I can put myself into the friend category that has had fertility problems and now has children. But even though I have my kids now I still remember that heartache and longing. And I sure as heck remember how hard it is to watch everyone else get what you strongly desire.

And yes, you have two glorious girls but don't you think for one minute that you are being ungrateful for wanting another. I hope you find your peace as you wait. Waiting is so very hard, the Lord's timing and our own are sometimes hard to sync.

Heather said...

Blerg! I totally forgot your blog was private. This morning when I saw an update from you in my reader I thought, "Hooray! She finally updated!" Then I scrolled down a little and saw a whole dang lot of updates and realized my error. So I am starting back here and catching up.

This post was beautifully written and so eloquently expressed what I think many of us feel. This is something I have started to struggle with, and while I've heard so many women talk about the various difficulties of it and how it hurts them so much when someone else is pregnant, etc, that feeling in particular did not really resonate with me, even as someone facing similar struggles. While I think I sort of understood why they feel that heartache, I have never felt anger or anything like that at someone else's pregnancy. It's not like there is a limited number of pregnancies allowed and they've just screwed up my chances - how dare they! And I've told myself that it is always a wonderful, blessed thing when a baby is entering the world. (I've also never allowed well-meaning inquirers about our baby status to hurt my feelings because they are just that - well-meaning.) However, there was still a slight twinge when someone else announced a pregnancy or birth even while I simultaneously felt overjoyed for that person, so I wasn't sure how exactly to describe that discrepancy. I think your analogy of elementary school is a good way to describe it, though. It's not that I'm mad so-and-so has something I don't; it's more, like you said, that even while happy for them it just reminds me of what I haven't been able to grasp quite yet.

To end the longest comment ever, I feel like I must add that I have developed an incredibly strong conviction over the past 6 months or so that each and every one of us has the ability to be happy in absolutely ANY circumstances in which we find ourselves. I've always heard happiness was a choice and intellectually believed it, but now I really know that in my heart and have experienced it for myself. I was forced to learn this lesson not due to fertility issues but out of necessity in dealing with some other things, but I have subsequently found it immensely helpful in dealing with this particular struggle. All this is to say that I really admire that you have made your recent loss of peace a matter of prayer and are not allowing the sorrow to overwhelm you. It seems to me that you are thoroughly putting into practice the fact that happiness is a choice, and I wanted to commend you. It's not always an easy thing to do.

Ok, now I will continue to catch up. As you can see I struggle with brevity, I will probably have to refrain from commenting on many posts in order to not take the entire day, but know that I read it and likely thought it was great!

P.S. I think I saw another title that was written later that mentioned something about you being pregnant so it may be funny if I find out within the next hour or whatever that this is no longer an issue. Haha.

P.P.S. Oh dangit. If I misread that and you are still struggling with fertility, realize I am one of those well-meaning dopes and don't get offended! :)