Elementary Style

Why it's Good to Have a Husband:
A concise argument in the form of
a 5-paragraph essay.
by Kelly Crowder

I think it's good to have a husband. The first reason I think it's good to have a husband is because he can support you. The second reason I think it's good to have a husband is that he can make you laugh. The third reason I think it's good to have a husband is that being married is better than being single. All these reasons create a very sound argument on the side of having a husband.

First, it's good to have a husband because he can support you. The word support can be applied to many situations. First, emotional support. When there is a lot on your mind and you can't even take a nap because your brain won't stop running it's nice to have a husband you can talk with. It's even nicer if that husband will take you to dinner after you spill your brains out, even though you haven't showered in two days and might be wearing remnants of make up from that long ago. Second, physical support. Sometimes, if you're not feeling well or can't get up off the floor, it's nice to have a strong man around to help around the house ... or help you when you're in the house and feeling round. Third, financial support. If you want to stay at home and raise your children or stay at home and watch Gilmore Girls while eating Cheetos and painting your toe nails, it is undoubtedly a good thing to have a husband who is willing to bring home the bacon. Then you will have bacon and will not default on your mortgage. In these ways it is good to have a husband because he can support you.

Second, it is good to have a husband because he can probably make you laugh. If your husband can't make you laugh, you may have made a hasty decision in choosing a mate. However, if your husband can make you laugh is makes life at least sixteen thousand times better. Living with someone who doesn't know how to tickle your funny bone isn't nearly as wonderful as living with someone who can, both literally and figuratively. Also, laughing will cause you to live longer. It might be the fountain of youth. Men (at least the right ones) are constantly dipping their goblets into said fountain by doing and saying funny things and most of the time it isn't on purpose. Sometimes it is and it's only funny half the time. But whether you have to pity laugh once in a while or not, it will always be worth it when you consider the blessings of a big smile on your face and tighter abs because of the hilarity. Because of these reasons, I think it is good to have a husband because he can make you laugh.

Finally, it is good to have a husband because being married is better than being single. I could sum this entire point up in one word if I wanted and that word would be: estrogen. Estrogen! Living with more than 20 young women over the course of 5 years taught me more than I care to admit or recall. But mostly it taught me how to duck when a saucer is being hurled at your head, the importance of permanent markers while stocking the pantry, and why it is always better to take two and a half minutes to make sure all your make up and hair products are put away before leaving the house. Living with my husband, these once daily gems have become useless. My husband never throws things harder than a pillow at my head; he never gets mad when I eat anything and everything in the pantry; he certainly doesn't care if I leave my mascara out and it would never occur to him to use my hair straighter. Furthermore, I always know who my dinner companion will be one night to the next, I never have to hold in gas, and to my husband even my fat pants are sexy pants. For these numerous reasons, I hold a firm belief that it is better to have a husband than a female roommate, if you can help it... I mean, it's good to have a husband because then you're not single.

In summary I would like to remind you of the reasons I think it is good to have a husband. First, he can support you emotionally, physcally, and financially, if you so desire. Second, he can make you laugh, lengthening your life and giving you the six pack you've always dreamed of. Third, you won't have to live in a house seething with estrogen but rather, you will be married and no longer single. I hope these reasons have convinced you of the wonderful benefits of having a good husband. Not just any husband, mind you, but a good, supportive, funny, not single husband.


Nicole said...

Wow, as a middle school English teacher, (ie, professional essay grader)I would have to say that this is well structured and has a great deal of voice! Not to mention that I agree with you on all points and that without a husband it would be quite hard to live in the "lap of luxury." (Don't tell Andrew I'm clowning on him)

kelly said...

Ha! I like your job title. ... I've always been drawn to the 5 paragraph essay. Isn't that terrible? Most people hate them. Even when I don't mean to (when do I ever mean to other than for this??) I regularly structure things in 5 paragraphs. It's sad. Thanks for the props, yo! (Does that put my in the same category as your middle schoolers now??)

AAAAAAAH HAHAHA! "Lap of luxury" is funny when I reference it, it's funnier when Ted says it, and it's HILARIOUS when you do. I don't know why it tickles me so.

Niki said...

As for the 5 paragraph essay- it's because it was really all we were taught and it's natural. Did you know that nowadays (being that we're so old and all) if the kids write them on the AIMS, they can't get higher than a 3 in organization? So sad! We have a fun saying at work that sticks in my head lately like lap of luxury- we have a "mentor teacher" who really just likes to be in control and boss people around and think she knows everything and long story short, but a set of siblings in middle school had a grandparent pass away in Lebanon and we were talking about it at a meeting and she kept saying that it costs "an EXORBITANT amount to get to Lebanon" she said it like three times and we were doing all we could to avoid losing it, it was really funny. Now we all say it all the time with a huge emhphasis on the word- I have an EXORBITANT amount of papers to grade, or an EXORBITANT amount of parents kept showing up unscheduled for conferences, and we lose it over and over again, it's great. Just thought I'd share.

Janina Jones said...


Heather said...

You are one my most favoritests ever.

And that fourth paragraph there is pure genius. Genius, I tell you!