Thursday

Not Scared, Not Superstitious, and No OCD Here.

Do I look scared in that picture? I wasn't supposed to, I was supposed to look cold. It was for a digital story telling project in my Education Technology class 2 years ago. But it's the best I've got for looking scared. Plus, what a lovely husband (then fiance) I have to hug me when I'm ever-so-frightened. ... Except I wasn't. Whatever. Moving on.

I've been thinking. I'm not nearly as much a scardy-cat as I used to be. I'm less afraid of the dark, under the bed scarries, walking alone at night, bad dream, and a myriad of other things. I remember being scared of 100 things and it was so silly.

When I was really little, we're talking little little, I had to fall asleep rubbing the edge of my blanket or praying mantises would come get me. No, walking sticks, not praying mantises. But they're scary too. I digress... As I aged ever so slightly it was something with turning the light switch off and on a certain number of times. ... It wasn't so much OCD as much as it was superstition because it was ok if I didn't do it. I just felt better if I did. Like habit. Oh, oh, and something about stepping into each square on the sidewalk with a certain foot, I believe, my left foot.

Even though I still like to step into new squares with the same foot (doesn't matter which, just like it to be the same from the time I notice it... and ignore this if we're ever walking together... I normally do.) I don't really care much about that anymore. And I'm not nearly as scared of the dark as I used to be. Sometimes, if I wake up in the middle of the night and I had a bad dream I will cling to Ted until I can fall asleep. He'll ask me what my dream is about but I never answer because he won't remember and will start snoring while I'm talking. He never remembers asking me. This is frequent because being pregnant gives me nightmares about everything but being pregnant.

I'm proud to have overcome many of my fear and compulsions. I don't even think about it normally, but something jogged my thoughts today. What have you conquered? What are you still afraid of? I'm afraid of financial uncertainty. But I'm not likely to get over that one anytime soon.

Oh, and why do I frequently write 5 paragraphs? Did it become that ingrained in my mind during middle school that I have never shaken the habit? And does this post-note make it 6 paragraphs?

5 comments:

Heather said...

I am afraid I will never get pregnant, financial instability, losing loved ones and the like.

On a silly level I can be scared of creepy crawlies like spiders and nasty bugs (roaches, anyone?).

I have conquered...hmmm, this requires some thinking. I am coping with losing our son and I am conquering education.

Heather said...

And is Gwenna her name? So lovely, brings about images of dainty pinkness, petite and delicate.

k.c. said...

Gwenna IS her name and thank you. Conquering education, both on your side and the hubby's, can take a long time so props to you!

Megan said...

Gwenna is a pretty name! I like it.

I'm afraid of never finishing school, I'm afraid of dealing with death, and I'm too afraid of financial uncertainty (especially since we're looking at houses). But then I sometimes forget that I should pray about these things and can be helped through it or to least deal with it.

Ben got his fame by just simply replying to these journalists' blogs. Crazy, huh!

Megan said...

Btw, I tagged ya, come look at my blog.